Getting Permission
68The fault dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves that we are underlings.
William Shakespeare
Do you remember when you were in first grade? You had to raise your hand to get permission to talk, and you had to raise your hand to get permission to go to the restroom. The teachers did this for a reason: to maintain order in the classroom. But we certainly got conditioned to ask for permission before we did anything.
Do you remember your first job? Someone taught you what you were supposed to do and what you couldn't do. If you were like me, it didn't take long for a situation to come up that you weren't authorized to handle. So what did you do? You went to your supervisor to get permission.
When you decided to get married, what did you do? You probably discussed your intentions with your parents and your future in-laws. In short, you got permission.
The point I'm trying to make is that, for most of our lives, we've been conditioned not to do anything without getting permission.
When we're young and we don't have a lot of experience, that's probably a healthy thing. After all, we don't know all the consequences that might result from our actions. So there's some safety in getting permission.
But unfortunately, old habits die hard. All too often, we carry this habit over into our adult lives. And what happens? We have the need to get permission, but there's no one to give us permission. We often have the nagging feeling that we can't do something because we aren't qualified or don't have the experience -- in short, we don't have permission. This problem usually comes up when we're trying new things. I often see people who are highly qualified in a particular field, but are afraid to fully engage because they feel the need for approval.
Where do they seek approval or permission? More often than not, they ask someone who is really not qualified to give it. They ask a drinking buddy, a neighbor, a spouse or a close friend -- generally someone who is safe.
I think there are two lessons here. One is to be aware that your need for approval or permission may be holding you back from achieving your potential; don't let that happen to you. The second lesson is not to seek permission or approval from someone who isn't experienced or knowledgeable enough to give a meaningful opinion. There are plenty of people who will tell you that you aren't qualified to do something. If the Wright brothers had listened to everyone who said it wasn't possible for man to fly, the world would be a lot different than it is today. The same is true for Edison, Bell and a host of others.
The quickest way to kill your dream is to seek permission. You're no longer in the first grade. You don't need permission to pursue your dream.
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Chef,
Glad to hear that you had the good sense to listen to your inner voice and not some naysayers.
And I think that we all need to realize that life is short and we don't get a second chance. So best to have some fun.
Thanks for your comments and sharing your story.
Well done and well said. You and I both come from the old school. Yes I know where you are coming from. We have to come out of hiding some time.
Some learn quicker than others. Some never learn anything at all. When you live a sheltered life (sort of) It is hard to break those shackles.
Great hub, I have sort of been there too. I think that is why I find it harder to say some of the things, needing to be said. But dont get me wrong. If someone steps on me I have learned to fight back. Not really shy anymore.
Eileen,
I see this with so many business clients that I work with. They are afraid to step out and do the things they really need to do to make their business successful. And a lot of time they are being held back because of these hidden feelings that they need permission. As I said, old habits die hard.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I think the comments always add so much more to the HUBs.
As parents, we want our children to become self-reliant and resilient, bouncing back when hitting the ground. In that vein, we might over supervise, or under- advise. Over supervising stifles independent thinking, and risk taking; we learn by failing and failure leads to achievement.
Under-advising tends to cause young children to not try again, because they don't get the needed feedback, or the feedback is false praise.
Thinking ahead, we can avoid these pitfalls, realizing that praising a child or even adult's effort is more important than praising the outcome. The outcomes take care of themselves when the praise and effort hits the mark. Pretty soon, we're pursing our dreams just because we know we can get there or get close and try again.
It's the journey. the journey!! If we stop too soon, we don't get to enjoy the journey! Great hub - we're adults now. We can make our own choices if we are not afraid of failure.
Marisue,
I am learning that so much of the value of most HUBs is in the comments left by others.
I hope other readers take the time to read your valuable comments. I know they will gain additional knowledge and insight.
Speaking of asking permission, I think that writing is the perfect way to abolish that! After all, we are putting our souls and imaginations on paper or web for all to read and/or form oppinions about! I used to worry about what people would think if I went to the store looking tired or wearing track clothes, or no makeup. I also used to worry about the oppinions of "people" surrounding everything else I did, writing included. I have not asked permission since April of this year. Thanks for this hub, it reminded me that I've made the right decison!!!!
Thanks for your comments and observations. You are absolutely correct. Far too many people are always concerned about "What will they think?" and if questioned have no idea of who in the world "they" are.
I really like what Epictetus had to say about this subject. "Personal merit cannot be derived from an external source. ... Who cares about what other people think about you!"
I am proof that adults are still seeking permission. As an ex-bartender, I had people asking me things about their personal lives, their jobs, you name it. It is as though they need someone to validate the decision that they want to make, but can not seem to make. These same people would come back week after week still struggling with the same problem and unable to make a decision. Of course, I would only listen and not offer my opinion because that can cause some problems if they decide to listen to you and it doesn't work out. Some of them were people who came out for the excitement of the bar scene, but drank pop so they all were not intoxicated.
It makes one wonder how their day to day lives are if they can not make any decisions since there are so many decisions that we must make on a daily basis.
It is interesting - actually sad that people seek approval, ask for assistance but then will not take action. It is more like they are looking for sympathy than help.
I have learned that only those people that truly want help can be helped. But far too many people are afraid to move ... they need a push.
Thanks for your obserations and comments.
You are so very right, John! I lived for YEARS seeking approval for everything I did, said, or wanted to do. It eats away at you on the inside. Just go for what you want. If it doesn't work out, then at least you tried.
It is great that you have come to the conclusion that you don't need to seek approval from others. That is such a huge step in the right direction.
Thanks for your comments and for sharing your own experience in this.
I am working so hard on what you've written about. Permission is conditioned so deeply within me - and as I read your Hub, I realize as a parent, I too, am conditioning my children to seek permission. Need to change that right now!
Jane,
The first step in changing any behavior is to become aware of it. Don't expect the change to be automatic or overnight. Remember the words from Aesop (The Hare and the Tortoise) "Slow and steady wins the race."
Thanks for reading and sharing your comments.
Very good hub. Much can be learned from this hub (and the comments that follow) that will help many people who are struggling. Life is so much more enjoyable when you don't worry and fret over decisions.
KCC ... thanks for your comments. I totally agree.
Hmm-mm. I liked your hub and comments too. Will look at some more of your hubbing. Thank you for wise words.
Good Hub John! Where have you been? Doing Ok?
I like your last paragraph and wish more people would follow it. It would save so much time and disappointment.
Very interesting article. I too tend to take permission from others or look for approval when I don't need to. I need to follow my dreams. Good Reminder. Thanks for the nice article and wake up call.
Chef Jeff 3 years ago
We are creatures of habit, and unfortunately we often don't act unless asked to. I know of some people who won't even ask permission because they are too afraid of being told "no."
When I had my own business I was told by a lot of people that I would not succeed. 12 years later I sold my business at a high point and laughed because if i had listened to the advice of others telling me to this instead of that, I would never have had such a wonderful experience in my life
Great hub, and thanks for the permission to have fun with our lives! (LOL!!!)